Barmy Bleeder

Once upon a time, there was a very tall man, with very long fingers and toes, but...with a very small brain. Everyone knew the man had a small brain because he lived in a horrible little town called Tamworth. A town full of ugly people, people with boils, puss-ridden buboes all over their bodies, people to whom inter-breeding was the norm.
OK, OK, OK ...I exaggerate slightly.

Let’s start again...

Once upon a time, there was a man called Edward. Edward ian Armchair. He was a very tall man, long in body, long in head, long in a chair, long in bed. Edward thought he was a poet, he had a lawn and he liked to mow it. But Edward was really a very talentless individual, a very sad, sad person - nobody liked Edward because he knew he was a genius, he lived on the planet Venius. No, No. No...STOP... this rhyming is getting out of hand.

Try again...

There once was a man called Edward,
As tall as a Canadian Redwood,
His legs were so long, his feet didn’t pong,
And he thought Pot Noodles were deadgood.

Once upon a time, there wasn’t a man called Edward at all.
In fact he was called Kevin.
It was a great shame for Kevin, because, being called Kevin
- such a strong, powerful sounding name,
Kevin had to be very, very, very, VERY nasty.....and he was.

So there.

He was a barmy bleeder.